i don’t think i’ve ever started a painting only to end up on the floor in tears. i feel like i can’t paint. at least not today. i can’t think. the moment i have an idea, i shoot it down. and when i work up the courage to begin sometimes  i can’t finish. i know my capabilities. but i feel like i’m reinventing the wheel. i need structure. i want to learn, but at the same time, i know i can’t keep sitting back watching others create. i have to fail, fail, and fail again. but failure is my deepest fear. until i can make 99 horrible paintings, i may never arrive at the one testament to my true talent.

today, lying in bed, i envisioned a beautiful portrait of daring flowers against a vibrant background. i wasn’t afraid of color. but somehow, just starting it became overwhelming. i need to get out something before the day ends. but i feel inadequate. i have no idea what my own voice is as an artist. so many textures and techniques i love, impasto, impressionism, hyperrealism, but i wonder if i will ever be able to do them. is it time that i need? i’m not sure. but i do know that time is running out. and fast. 😦

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